2 mth break..

"They may forget
What you said,

But they will never forget

How you made them feel."

- Carl W. Buechner

i will nv forget how whole n complete u made me feel. some pt along our relationship, i believed i made u feel likewise. cheers to 2 mths of independence! *smile*

to ting..

i'm here not bcoz i cannot resist temptation to stay offline. i'm here to clarify certain issues. exactly one mth since the ex decided his life wld be better off w/o me, i embarked on a reckless dating spree as part of my so-called "recovery process". seeing different people n hearing sweet nothings over n over again was just a desperate me trying to reassure myself tt i did not lose my desirablity as a woman.

true, i hv been an utter slut. i acknowledge tt. but aft all tis while, i stand by the fact tt all my actions r wholly justified by reasons tt only me myself noe. being newly single, i need not account to anyone - my parents included. so i hv nv seen to need to explain my predicament here. coz the last thing i need frm all u ppl is even more sympathy.

the joy today is not someone who deserves to be well-liked. in fact, even i'm starting to get irritated with myself n my current priorities. but to be disliked by someone who means the world to me is a different issue altogether. she used to be someone who i tot wld side me above all, someone who i assumed wld seek to understand me n see things frm my perspective before blasting me on a public place. if i tot i was hurt badly enough, tis really tests my pain endurance lvl to the max.

tis person is not just a normal acquaintance. she is a close fren n someone i value alot. someone who means enough for me to be willing to lose face n explain how pathetic i am on my v own blog for the whole bloody world to see.

girl, it is no hidden fact tt u r disappointed at how i hv "cheapened" myself on dating binges. we used to be inseperable with no secrets between us. but ask urself, how much do u noe of me in recent wks? when i broke up with zest, i called u a couple of times. every single time, u were either at ur bf's place or in the theaters or something. u didn't hang up on me. but u were undeniably distracted. how else do u wan me to tell u wat i'm really feeling? when i was helpless, lost n alone, i reached a stage where i found my newer frens much more ready n nv too busy to listen to me cry.

i'm not disregarding our yrs of friendship. they still mean alot to me. but i'm saddened by the fact tt instead of just calling n hearing my side of the story first-hand, u chose to conveniently pluck things i mentioned here n misread them terribly.

sometimes i wonder, whether u even considered my feelings when u typed those wrds. did it ever cross ur mind how u can single-handedly squash watever little self-worth i hv left? as u said n i quote, "she, having abused zest's love during the relationship. claims of being hurt and torn when zest fianlly broke down n left." ya, i deserved to get dumped. i'm the worst gf one can ever ask for. n for the v fact tt he can bear with me for soo long, he shld get a nobel prize or something - seriously.

i dunno shld i stay shocked or just simply shake my head in disbelief when i read those wrds. ur MY fren. even if u dun support the way i carry out my relationship, u shld stay behind me ready to hug me when i get burnt frm playing with too much fire. if ur not prepared to just stand behind, ever-ready to shield me frm hurt, u shld at least not be the one rubbing salt into my wounds. coz i most certainly will not do tt to u. n i'm speechless to how u actually make him sound like the victim in tis whole affair.

since the first time we broke-up, i did play a more active role in trying to be tt ideal gf, his perfect partner. i did things for him tt i nv did for anyone before. i even dare say zest was my first-time everything. i nv apologized. i nv begged. i nv gave. i nv changed. but for him, i did all tt. i slept w/o aircon even in the hottest nights. i woke up at god-forsaken hrs in the morning just to accompany him to wrk. i tried to give him a balanced family-fren-gf social life. wth, i even cooked n baked! the princessy me nv ever did tt. u do not noe any of my sacrifices, n u didn't bother to go find out..

though wat i do is damn freaking easy to many. but for me, its a whole world of difference. u of all ppl shld noe tt. as u mentioned, i'm pampered. i'm fucking spoilt. to even wanna attempt to contribute to something means tt tis something means so so so much to me. mayb god is jealous tt my life is so close to perfect tt he hv to remove the first thing i really worked hard for. when zest chose to leave me the first time round but eventually changed his mind, i vowed to not just passively demand for happiness. i promised to strive to make our relationship wrk. but before my labour cld bear fruit, he chose to runaway yet again. where do u tink tt leaves me? aft trying my best, i was left with nothing! do u hv any idea how disillusioned i became with life n love? i even contemplated suicide. twice. did u noe? or did u even care?

its not just u. everyone one in our clique is attached.. where do i stand now? for u to say "move on" is v easy. coz ur not in my position. none of u are. i dun ask for ur compassion. all i wan a tiny bit of understanding. u said i'm not worth the attn adrian gives me. am i worth urs then? our 5-yr friendship vs his 2-wk one? to be honest, he gave me more in tis 2 wks then u hv given me in a whole mth. i dun tink a little more concern frm a fren close enough to be a sister is too much to ask for.

i'm joy. i hv nv been rejected. i hv nv craved for anything. when he left, i was crushed. i am still crushed. i counted on ur support to help me piece back the broken fragments. but wat i didn't expect was for u to yank open wat i hv tried so hard to glue back tgt.

communication is a two-way channel. tis blog is wat every tom, dick or harry reads n is the only face-saving medium i hv left. for someone as close as u, i expected u to take wat i say with a pinch of salt. i may hv changed, but definitely not tt much. however, if all i'm in ur eyes is tt of a lowdown bitch, i really hv no comments.

i do feel trashy when i go out with random male specimens. i dun need u to tell me tt.

as a last plea, only frens who really care when they claim to care can get me past tis lowest down in my life. i wan u to be one of them.. but if u dun wish to, i respect ur decision. just pls dun push me back into the hole when i'm nearing the top. n for old times sake, trust me when i say i noe wat i'm doing.

(note: u noe i'm talking abt u. i treasure u. n if u feel likewise, i hope u do spare a thought for me in future. wat u see is not necessarily wat u get n if u noe me well enough, u shld be clear as to where my morals stand. i mayb impulsive but i hv my limits.)

on a lighter note, i got tis quiz frm khang jing's blog.. =)

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's "The Part of You That No One Sees"?

my last entry before i start intensive mst mugging n proj completion. wun be online at all for the mth of june at least.. *disciplined* anyway, been partying throughout the first wk of the hol.

monday: SPSE AGM

voting took place for certain exco positions.. some roles had contest while others were walkovers.. on the whole, the atmosphere was pretty tense n kinda hostile.. anyway, i hope everything is alright now. no pt making things unpleasant yeah?

aft the meeting, liying (advisor), william (president), jason (secretary) n me (vice-president) stayed behind in the clubhouse to play ridiculous board games, poker cards n read fortune. hehe.. all the head honchos wor~

haha.. tts so random. anyway, we played till late at night before being forced to leave due to rumbling stomachs. liying n me went for dinner/supper at kallang n chatted alot abt online jerks we hv come to noe over the yrs. btw, i dumped nicholas today. rejection feels refreshing for once. wahahaha!!

pretty cakes frm prego tt mommy bought for my breakfast. - a gd day's start -

tuesday: birthday celebrations
celebrated cher's 19th birthday with the girlies at shin kushiya at vivo. as usual, the table was split into the "i-brought-my-bf" n "my-bf-is-not-here" sections. being the only boyfriend-less person present, i sat with the ppl who so kindly uninvited their bfs.

thank goodness wilfred was working so i got to monopolise jj. hehe.. ting said jj n me behaved like lovers. oh wells, we were classmates for 4 yrs n sitting partners for 2 of them. so she can't ps me ba.. =P

jj (on the phone with ting): is joy coming?

me: JIA JIN!!

jj (still on the phone with ting): omg! i heard joy's voice.

ting: -.-

anyway, my phone was miraculously busy throughout dinner.. xueqin, cheeleng, darren, adrian, brendan n william all rang a few times each. so while the "i-brought-my-bf" ppl were busy feeding each other n the "my-bf-is-not-here" ppl were busy smsing their other halves, i cld decently pretend tt i had a significant other too. hehe..

(screams: desperate!)

anyway, our bill nearly totalled $500.. oops. its the fault of the multiple side dishes..

my v expensive salmon don. (i forgot the fancy name..)

my black sesame ice-cream..

jj's green tea mochi ice-cream.. looks mouldy hor? =P

our "designer" wasabi dessert. lol.. looks pretty cool rite? yucks! =P

cher's awesome jap bento set look-a-like bdae cake.. cool ba? fake sushi rolls, agar-agar salmon sashimi n even sponge cake shaped to look like tempura prawns (complete with orange coconut flakes)!!! there is even bread sticks to mimick chopsticks.. *drools*

see, the fake stuff?? even hv artificial wasabi n real seaweed wor~

ahhh, the luxuries of life i can sooo grow accustomed too.

note to self: joy joy better marry rich!

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY YANG MEH MEH!

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TIFFANY!

wednesday: LTC seminars

reported to sch with william n cheeleng at 8.30am!! explored the new territories of mlt 1, sat through 4 butt-numbing hrs of event mgmt talk before finally breaking for an hr. met up with xq n darren for lunch at foodcourt 2.

declaration of love on the clubhouse board. haha.. coz my dear dear just told me she wrote my name all over her lect notes.. heee.

aft lunch, the talk was slightly more interesting.. 3 hrs of social grace n dining etiquette with an ultra hot lecturer.. she used to be a model n was a first-class cabin air stewardess. dun play-play hor. lol. i bet lots of hearts broke aft she divulged tt she was already married. =P

anyway, LTC means leaders-of-tomorrow n everyone present held top positions in their respective ccas. mayb tts why they r trying so hard to "groom" us.. haha. though the talks were tiring, they were indeed inspiring. every single speaker addressed the 180 of us as 'student leaders of SP's 15,000 strong population'.. though we all noe we r each just normal students, it rocks to hear the directors declare tt we r the ones who hv the power to change n influence. we even had the honour of the principle n deputy principle personally gracing the event. =D

*gloats*

anyway, ended up too tired to study with darren. so so sorry for making u wait frm 8.30am - 5.30pm for nothing. lol. instead, i went to cityhall for cake with cheeleng at TCC. actually, i'm pretty easily satisfied these days. something as simple as a slice of cake can make me smile frm dover to cityhall n frm cityhall to tamp. =D

i'm a happy girl in a nice cafe.. <3

my chocolate devil cake.. sinful sinful.

cheeleng's oreo cheesecake.

thursday: LTC seminars

similar lectures.. only tis time, william didn't come.. so there was no one to make fun of. no one to play with. no one to touch using my ultra cold metal ruler. no one to fall asleep in tt funny way. no one to take photos of when we get bored. no one to wait outside toilets/bring drinks/throw rubbish. hehehe..

as cheeleng mentioned, william was clearly among the more handsome of all the guys present. so having him around did get us some pleasant attn. the power of eye-candy!! lol.

anyway, today was the 'no apologies' wkshop which tried to psycho us to abstain frm sex. basically, its just a talk abt relationships n how fragile/superficial it is at our age. the speaker was funny so i found myself rather receptive to wat he had to preach.. haha.

the talk ended at abt 2pm so cheeleng n i headed to bugis to meet jess n jacelyn for lunch at yoshinoya n to collect the photos i developed for the old birds. there, we spent some time chatting to hx at her pushcart. tt lucky girl is going to japan!! *envious*

aft shopping, i left for yoga. hey, i can't possibly keep eating cake n not exercising rite?

i look slim rite? hehe.. eat so much cake i can still look like tt still ok ba.. bhb.

cheeleng n me bought matching t-shirts frm bossini.

"we r as HOT as hotdogs!" =P

friday: SPSE welcome tea

had coffee bean's mudpie with adrian in the morning. sometimes, i feel really bad to only look for him when i need to feel desirable n ignore him altogether when someone more exciting comes along. i dunno if its unpleasant experiences tt hv resulted in me treating guys shabbily just so as to protect myself frm hurt despite knowing how v wrong tt is.

our phone conversation the night before

adrian: wei, u busy ar?
me: ok lah. i wan cake.

adrian: huh?

me: i bad mood. i wan cake.

adrian: its 2am now leh.. go where get?

me: i dun care. i wan cake! i wan cake! i wan cake!

technically, once i sa jiao, i more than often get my way.. as zest once said: "when u like tt, my heart will melt de." only now, i'm manipulating someone else's heart. call me cold-blooded, call me evil. i am a scorpio.. its in my nature. *pouts*

the morning call

adrian: we go tamp hv cake then i send u to sch.

me: huh?

adrian: if faster, we can watch fantastic 4 also..

me: i dun watch movie with any tom, dick or harry de.

adrian: then we just go eat ur cake lor.

we drove frm hm to century sq where he bought me my warm mudpie (cheeleng: its awesome!). throughout the time we spent together, i totally cold-shoulder him. instead, i rather just stare blankly at tis poster advertising some -insert name- lemon beverage, a macdonald flyer for -insert name- lime flavoured ice-cream.

for some strange reason these few days, i keep seeing -insert name- in menus, flyers, posters, etc. mayb its just me being ultra sensitive to tt wrd now (it is a recognised english lexeme afterall).. either tt, or some superior being up above is cruelly trying to prevent me frm forgetting. *shrugs*

a bored looking adrian. to all u kaypos, saw him le ba.. lol.

as the morning crept towards noon, he timidly interupted my thoughts n suggested we leave for sch. he sent me all the way to SP n sat with me at kfc till xq n darren came. even at kfc, he kept wanting to buy cheese fries/whipped potato for me. lol. i left shortly with xq n darren for lt 6 w/o much of a 2nd glance.

sometimes i question why he still wanna spend time n money entertaining an obviously uninterested me. bringing me out n tolerating my v frequent moodswings when he clearly has zero incentive to do so. actually, for some reason ALOT of guys r surprisingly willing to do tt for me now. "alot" is in comparison to my usual standards lah.. its flattering but intimidating at the same time.. =(

[frm left: jason, darren n liying.]

welcome tea at lt 6.

presentations always freaks me out.. but for some reason, i was sorta high. anyway, i tink the welcome tea was pretty much a success. we sorted the members into sub-coms n intro the exco to all of them.. santoso even came to visit us. *honoured* the clubhouse tour was followed by hx's surprise bdae party at foodcourt 2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

happy 19th birthday darling!!

awww, so sweet..

i only remembered adrian when i was pampering myself with a dashing diva pedicure n strawberry juice. so i replied his sms with, "dun call tonight ba.. will be shopping with my parents till quite late." i noe some ppl will wanna slap me now. but like i cannot force someone to like me, no one can convince me to like him either. so pls dun judge me.

waiting for painted nails to dry can be the most boring thing in the world.. not forgetting the fact tt u dun hv the flexibility to squirm!

i'm not beautiful but i'm not hideously ugly either.. in fact, frm my own super narcissist pt of view, i tink i'm sorta cute.. *pukes* so actually, i dun hv to fear being left on the shelf rite? since guys r supposedly 'visual-inclined' ppl. =X

i had mommy n daddy all to myself for shopping n dinner tt evening.. we checked out boutique stores like Gap n Guess which i wun hv entered w/o their platinium credit cards. whee~

found tis really cool fountain tt looks like suspended crystals at suntec. pretty. =)

saturday: SIFE n farewell bbq

morn was a formal affair with william n guowei at suntec exhibition hall 303. its really cool to be SP's only 3 representatives. we even get personalised landyards n awesome door gifts! n coz the world is so small, i got to meet old frens, aisha n max frm MI (bartley). the CEO of SIFE SINGAPORE even personally intro us to MPs, CEOs n student representatives of other schs. tis is really networking man.. *faints*

me in formal wear.. so cool rite?

i look like some sch teacher rite? hehe..

the spinning thingy reads, "i'm hot"!

[frm left: william, me n guowei.]

but being students, the buffet table was much more tempting as compared to carrying out polite conversations with boring old ppl. not to mention the food was simply heavenly. haha.. n we all got eye-candies to ogle at. william (tp), guowei (nus), mine (smu).. *faints again*

aft the talk, we went down to tamp to meet up with jessica, tianhock, sengwang n candy. carried the groceries to changi beach to meet up with xueqin, darren, jason, liying, richard n thiam hee. feeling really uncomfortable in formal wear, i left for hm. when i returned, zest n santoso hv arrived.

the bbq was ..............................

anyway, i was brave enough to approach him for some solo time. a foolish decision but at least it showed where i stood in his heart now. status changed yeah? anyway, i'm done with initiative. i started smses, phonecalls, meetings n even parties. its time i realised tt it takes two hands to clap. its time i let nature take its course.

i was pleased tt he opened my breezer for me n even warned me abt sand. i was glad tt he appreciated my efforts in planning. but he didn't care when i cut my finger. he didn't move towards me when i walked away. he didn't help me drink the water i was forced to drink. heck, he didn't even give me second glances or toast marshmallows for me. so much frm the person who claimed to adore me the most hur?

but he looks healthy. happy, in fact. n i shld be glad tt at least one of us is living 'singlehood' the way it shld be.

spse's parting gifts to the seniors.. we love n respect u. all the best.

signing off, a smiling joy.

(p/s: blood-red toenails may make me look confident. but it certainly doesn't make me feel self-assured.)

u wun noe wat is lost till its gone. i learnt tis frm experience.. i hv always assumed tt i can hv something/someone for as long as i desire n wat i didn't realise was tt i hv been taking tt all impt something/someone for granted till it gets all sick n tired of me.

there r soo many things i hv yet to say. things which i wanna say frm the bottom of my heart n not coz i'm forced to do so. things which i hv always kept bottled inside. i wanna scream it in ur face n shout it out at the top of my lungs. coz i failed to say it before i let time just slip pass me n i'm faced with the sudden realisation tt it is all too late.

now, all i can do is tink back n relive all the memories. to reminisce n try to rmbr exactly how i felt when tt magical moment happened. how nostalgic... well, tis is life. tis is reality. tis is just basically how things are.

i just wonder.. when i tink of u, am i occupying a part of ur mind too?

there ARE bigger problems..

a close relative of mine, whose life i hv always regarded as perfect has just been diagnosed with advanced-stage breast cancer. she'll hv her entire right breast removed but we all noe the pain doesn't just stop there. my lil bro all alone across the globe in some ulu china province suffered a terrible fall n hurt his ankle so badly tt he can't walk. a fren's relative hv to bear with a philandering husband. even frens my age manage to survive in single-parent hms.. n there r even some who got by w/o any parents at all.

it took me too long to realise tt life is so fragile. so precious. so impt tt i shld not be wasting any moment of it regretting or questioning if i'll ever hv the chance to change anything frm my past. at the 'no apologies' workshop, i chose "love" over "life" n "sex". but come to tink of it, isn't "life" much more worth cherishing? the new ppl i'll come to noe. the old ppl i'll wanna keep. the experiences i hv yet to expose myself to. the ME i wanna be.

i used to tink "love" was scary.. it being all ambiguous n painful. the way it can play with my mind n heart. the way it can make me hurt myself willingly n still smile when i'm wounded n bleeding inside. the way it makes me go all soft n light-headed. the way one person can make my life revolve at turbo speed n yet stop it the very nxt second. "love" shld not be underestimated. but frm all tt i hv heard in tonight alone, i believe "life" is waaay more dubious, complicated n uncertain then we'll ever noe. "life" affects more than just tiny me.

until the day i wear white n say "i do", no guy can make up my life. there is definitely more to my existence then just me n him. so in tt way, i guess i'm enlightened.

anyway, tis is not moving on. tis is merely me understanding the complexity of the situation. to keep someone's candle burning, tt someone shld not douse urs either.

the boyfriend hunt

advertorial: auditions for "the boyfriend search" now on!

tink you fit the criteria? pls apply..

dial +65 911-***** to schedule an interview appt with my secretary.. of course, bribery in any form is welcomed. (hint: the princess loves teddy bears, sunflowers, expensive chocolates n wads of cash!!!) =X

additional requirements:

• height: > 175 cm
• weight: > 70 kg
• income: at least S$10 million per annum.
• family background: direct heir to the Bill Gates empire?!
• family status: crown prince of England, marry me!!!!
• talents: be musically inclined n well-versed in poetry.
• others: be perfect in every sense of the world!

quite easy to meet ba?? haha.. dun keep me waiting, call me. *winks*

<3

oops, i did it again.

i derieve a wicked sense of satisfaction when i reject the men in my life.
watching grown men whimper n grovel at my feet brings me utmost jubilation.
seeing them at their weakest gives me an adrenaline rush.

as power n control surges through my veins,
my laughter sounds, malicious.

i love the way i can wreck their lives with just wrds,
and continue playing jenga or bridge with the pals w/o feeling any form of remorse.

i'm amazed at how i'm capable of tearing apart their self-confidence,
trample on their ego,
spit in their faces,
n still hv them begging me to return.

i dun like the joy i hv become.
so superficial, so bitter, so cruel..

just as i tot the tables hv turned in my favour,
n the winds of change is blowing my way,
i got to go on to lose something else in tis brutal game of reality.

xueqin, i dunno if u'll read tis anytime soon. but i'm so so so so sorry..
pls dun give up on me.
not yet. not now.

you were my never-ending pillar of support. the one i look towards to smile, n more so, the one i look for when i cry. i guess it muz hv been hard on u to be ever-present despite ur busy schedule.. to be always here to shoulder my burdens as well as help me pass time. u said i did the same thing for u, but both u n me noe tt it has always been me relying on u - something like a substitute bf. i noe i pushed my boundaries too far.. like the typical joy, i hv the uncanny ability to shoo away ppl who r dearest to me.

tiffany once said, "There comes a time in your life when you realize who will always matter, who does matter and who never did matter. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

ur not like the other guys i make use of just to relieve certain emotions within me n relish in the attention they can offer. ur someone i wanna keep close to heart n someone who will always matter whatever the circumstances may be. its ironic tt though i wan u to be happy, i end up being the one tt hurt u.

i really do cherish u.
n i'll always be here whenever u need a listening ear, a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. hugs can alleviate the greatest pain.. i promise you, i wun be a fair-weather fren. n tis is a promise i fully intend to keep. *hugs*

thanks for everything u hv done. u made me happy when i least tot i cld be.. i wan us to stay frens forever. tis means alot bcoz 'forever' hv nv existed to me, esp aft recent events.. but for once, i wanna prove tt it is possible. keep smiling with me yeah?

when you say you loved me, were those just words?

ramblings

>> sakae date with nicholas.
>> he is freaking tall.
>> he is rich.
>> he is obnoxious.
>> he seems to hv lied abt his age. zzz.
>> serkee: "ur rich ah pek ar?"
>> grade: 2/10
>> conclusion: get lost!

>> supper date - bedok, blk 85 - with adrian.
>> thrill factor still present.
>> pretty fun - surprisingly.
>> amazingly pleasant.
>> grade: 6/10 (plus pts for getting me ben n jerry at 11pm at night!)
>> conclusion: is nice to hv someone to send me for early morn lects. lol.

>> moberly in-house movie screening of Shrek 2..
>> big screen plasma TV.
>> cool crumpler beanbag chairs.
>> dim lightings.
>> ambience = perfect!



awww.. the sacrifices of unconditional love. *starry-eyes*



cheeleng, tiffany n i on pool-ball-look-a-like 'crumpler' beanbags.. style n comfort. =)



tiffany n me!! future trading partners. wahahaha..



darren extra! lol.



pretending to be engrossed only lor. haha. =P



oops, it got pretty boring aft awhile.
quick! get my prince charming to kiss me!!! XD

>> chilling with darren at the esplanade.



the most romantic place in tiny s'pore.. i tink tts pretty much an understatement.



my future! =D



colourful balloons light up the passageway.. uber romantic lah. :*



view frm the sheares bridge.. nice watery reflection yeah?



the saxo spot. need i say more?

>> saturday date with my dear.

>> k-lunch at clementi.



"cherries are spelt 'cheri' in french;
n it shares the same meaning as cherish;
I CHERISH YOU!!"

xueqin, thanks a million for everything u hv done for me tis whole time. you helped make the pain much more bearable n my life much more livable. i really hope u liked the pen n got the meaning i wished to convey.. btw, i chose tt magazine pg to photograph tis for a reason.. stay smiling with me yeah?

>> brian's farewell dinner at menotti's.

>> super posh western eatery at raffles city shopping centre.
>> oh-so-delicious desserts.



>> i spoilt the experience by being in a downright sucky mood.
>> mommy let me drown my sorrows in a $12+++ lychee martini. ^^

>> wallowing in self-pity.



>> the mickey n minnie i almost bought at OG albert..
>> mickey looks so cute trying to steal glances at minnie rite?
>> i miss having someone look at me subconciously.
>> i miss having someone look at me without me feeling grossed out.
>> i miss having someone look at me as if i fill his world.
>> i miss having someone look at me n be oblivious to the world.



>> caught on film.
>> i miss having someone with only eyes for me..
>> particularly, i miss him.




=(

n if the him doesn't even dare to face me, there is nothing more i can do.. whining n sulking is futile in tis case.. so there goes my area of expertise. lol. oops, i just stabbed open my wound again.. lalala~

ahhh, i guess i didn't noe him well enough.. mayb my love is not tt noble afterall.

i blew FA.. while the whole class scored, i screwed it up. sometimes, the emotional side of me gets in the way of me achieving greater things. though they say its gd to be sensitive n sentimental, i kinda feel tt such sentiments only serve to make me feel vulnerable. in the presence of others, the old joy has more or less returned. but in front of myself, i keep going around in circles.

playtime is over. when attention turns into obsession, even the nicest guy freak me out.

so girlfriends who know abt the thrilling albeit dangerous roller coaster ride of adventure i hv been on.. as of last night, i hv alighted - for gd.

06/07 SB YEARBOOKS

hmm, ivan hv finally passed us our yrbks.. n i look fat. fine, i AM fat.. but the stupid designer pulled the bloody pic sideways making me look even fatter than i already am. urrgggh!!! tt means all the possibly interested guys up sb hill will only be able to see a fugly, fat me! bahx. =(

n did i mention how small my eyes look? grrr, dun get me started on my attire of tt day. sucks man. but zest still looks cute. haha. i'm biased. so sue me?!

aft we all got our yrbks, everyone was busy squinting at their own faces, laughing/complaining/comparing n there i was searching each n every yr 3 dbf picture for his face. coz silly me actually FORGOT HIS CLASS! lol. anyway, i found it in the end lah.. better late than nv, i always say. ^^

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MA1 PRESENTATION

kinda feel bad just tinking abt tis. coz for starters, although i do turn up at proj discussions, i dun tink i contributed much. in fact, i dare say tis proj is one in which i put the least effort into doing. n i actually completely forgot abt today's presentation to ambrose miranda - the most "dun-play-with-me-or-you-will-regret-it" lecturer i hv ever come across.

i didn't even get a chance to see the final piece of wrk before class.. thankfully, our grp was given the last presentation slot by balloting. so come to tink of it, i'm just blessed.

anyway our grp did pretty well. with the worst comment being "the movable texts are distracting". plus, we were the only one tt did the proj in frontpage style (thanks to shaun) n ambrose even applauded our indigineous "cheating" footnotes (thanks to shaun again).

my grp rocks. kudos to yiling, shaun n thiam boon. yayness~ =D

although tis presentation is just a measly 10%, i'm glad he said DBF/2A/06 r the white horses leading all his other tutorial classes.. n to tink we even missed one of his impt tuts due to some public hol. i'm super motivated to aim for a distinction now. quick, force me to study!!! lol.

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INDULGENCES

adrian somehow reminded me of myself. since the day i started ignoring him, his constant phonecalls n his smses begging me to pick up was like deja vu. mayb tts why i understood his pain n sorta gave in. u'll nv noe the extent of helplessness one feels to not be able to contact a loved one until u go through it urself.

however, he screwed up his 2nd chance.

i admit tt its my fault to schedule meetings with nicholas n him on the same day. i just simply forgot. but to be fair, i didn't meet up with either of them. instead, i went to the club for cakes. dumdeedumdum~

carrot cake, chocolate opera n milk chocolate, orange sponge.

=)

its been ages since i visited the club. the last time being us lugging an ugly red pail right across the lobby n into the dining hall. talk abt hilarious! anyway, tt pail is history now. *ahem ahem* =P

apparently, my recent obsession with cake surpasses my need for guy company. heeee. like i said in the previous post, going out with ppl makes u realise wat u really wan. so i hv come to a conclusion tt in the near future, no one can come close to replacing him.

our free tickets to velvet dragon on vesak day!!



when we were sitting along clarke quay crapping n just bumming the night away.. the night view was really bright n pretty.. just like during those SAXO times.. only now, the company was slightly different.




went clubbing in my new dress!! haha.. gerald was nice enough to come pick me up frm hm.. but was sorta upset he didn't do his planning properly which resulted in richard n santoso not turning up. darren, cheeleng n i can be labelled 'clubbing virgins' n imagine us trying out tis whole new, intimidating experience all alone?! *applause*

anyway, aft sitting around the river for long enough, we plucked up the courage to enter velvet dragon. it was pretty cool tt we were on the guest list - which means we get priority over paying patrons!! haha.. the interior of the place was pretty fascinating (dark n smoky but yet alluring at the same time.) plus, we all got free barcardis. although cheeleng n i swore to stay glued to our sofas the whole night, we eventually hit the dancefloor n it took alot to get us off it. the ambience was pretty high alright! whee~

oh ya, i met sarina, my pri 5 classmate there too.. so qiao ba?



our free drinks.. barcardi breezer, tropical peach. aft the night i got myself drunk, tis sorta beverage become chicken-feet. seriously, it tasted just like sugared water.. XD

mayb the nxt time i go, i'll be reckless enough to dance with total strangers.. something cheeleng n i intended to do with the tall guy beside us but chickened out at the last min. lol. =P supper was roti prata near NUS.. the pratas were yummy but the NUS guys who we saw were so-so only.. hehe.

sch the nxt day was a tiring affair.. aft sch still had to do cssc duty at clementi.. ultimate bore man!! anyway, wanted to go watch movie with darren but ended up at JEC just watching ppl ice-skate n witnessing how pervertic old men ogle at young girls. yucks! we also got to see jess n frens there too.. cool hur? then randomly, darren n i decided to head to changi beach to chat till we both had to cab hm. lol.

anyway, my chat with darren made someone jealous. someone who had absolutely no right to be..

on the 2nd of june, xq n i went to study at marina sq's mac before visiting zest at suntec's PC show. i dunno how i survived all tis while w/o getting to see him but tt day was the first time i laid my eyes on him in exactly a mth.. n of all dates, it had to be our supposed 8th mth. anyway, i managed to stop tearing n smile in his presence. i even managed to ans his qn in my usual chirpy voice (i hope). though i couldn't bear to establish eye contact with him, the zest tt stood in front of me was every bit the guy i fell for n he still had the ability to make me trip all over him. haiz.. i'm hopeless.

i didn't noe xuanqi was working for mc2 too.. n honestly, when she told me he was their top seller, i couldn't help feeling damn bloody proud. i mean, i hv known all along tt he has gd persuasive power.. he practised a large amt of it trying to please me i guess. haha. wat can i say? i was a fairly demanding gf. =X

still, i managed to not cry in front of him. but being so near yet so far frm him resulted in me running away before i had the chance to say "gd bye".. i didn't even hv time to pull xq along with me. sorry dear, i noe i shocked u. i promised to take it easy but it was so hard. i really tried.. i swear.

but dear being the dearie as usual, knew exactly wat it took to lift my spirits. we watched Shrek 3 n indulged to our heart's content at new york new york!



us in our cozy, little booth.. the waiter tried to be funny n said tt tis booth has an additonal 10% surcharge n i stupidly believed!!! bahx.



a happy joy again..



my oreo cheesecake!! the best sucky-mood-lifter! hehe.



xq with her root beer float n apple-flavoured cotton candy..



i lurve my fairy god mama!

aft a massive pigging-out session, we met santoso n headed hm sweet hm..

sunday is family day! went to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End with them. daddy got me a scoop of ben n jerry's which totally brightened my day. =) however, they hv ceased production for the flavour dublin mudslide - the first ice cream zest n i shared. tt part got me a little upset. oh wells, all gd things muz come to an end.

even in the movie, the love birds didn't get their happily ever after. =( there was a part i can still rmbr vividly.. "our destinies were entwined but nv joined."
perhaps, just perhaps.........



spent a bomb again. tis time on cosmetic bling-blings. one consolation, i can charge it to mommy. haha. =P

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also, i hv decided to end my fling with adrian (the 'someone' i mentioned earlier). 3 fights in 5 days hv made me realise tt he doesn't mean anything to me. mayb xq is right.. i need to go out with ppl to discover wat i really wan.